


From Whence We Cum?

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-30
Updated: 2008-04-30
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:14:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A little intellectual ‘discussion’ that gets a bit out of hand…





	From Whence We Cum?

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

~~

 

“What’s so fucking funny?”

 

I looked up irritably from the sofa where I’d been flipping through a very stimulating (read: ‘fucking boring’) company profile and glared pointedly at Justin. 

 

He’d been ‘working’ at my computer at the other end of the room and had just made the ‘gxxxt!’ sound I’d come to associate with badly concealed giggling.

 

“Oh- it’s…nothing,” Justin replied hastily, looking up and fixing me with a look of angelic innocence. (It would’ve been a lot more convincing had he bothered to wipe the stupid lop-sided grin off his face.)

 

“Bullshit,” I retorted, abandoning the profile for ‘Cox and Kuntz (it's pronounced 'Coonts') Consultants’. 

 

I quickly got up off the sofa and crossed the room in three strides, not wanting Justin to have a chance to close the window of the website he’d been snickering at. 

 

“You’d better not be on that fucking ‘Somedae Topping’ site again,” I warned as I swung myself around behind his swivel chair.

 

That particular website, whose catch phrase was ‘Topping Your Toppy Boyfriend’, had been a bad, **baaaaaad** influence on Justin.

 

Expecting to see a full-page article entitled ‘His Hole Is Your Goal’, I was considerable surprised to find that Justin had actually been pursuing through the ‘National Geographic’ online magazine.

 

Science was funny? Since when?

 

“Someone discover a dildo-shaped galaxy?” I asked interestedly, bending closer to the monitor so I could read the text. “Did someone name a new species of sea cucumber _‘Slugthat lookslikeapenis_?”

 

“I think it would actually be _‘Slugus penisamorpha’_ ,” Justin corrected with a giggle.

 

“Don’t get smart,” I advised, my fingers tangling themselves in the hair at the nape of Justin’s neck and tugging gently. I leaned down next to his ear and hissed, “You know how it makes me want to spank you.” 

 

“Does it?” Justin asked lustfully, turning his head and nipping my jaw sharply. “Would that little desire be exemplified if I recited the entire Code of Zoological Nomenclature? I know how much extreme geekiness turns you on. I’ll bet _that’s_ why you joined chemistry club…”

 

“Smart little fucker,” I purred, crouching down beside his chair and allowing my hand to slide very slowly up his thigh. “And just _begging_ for a nice loooong spanking...”

 

Justin shifted to spread his legs a little further apart, edging closer to the edge of his seat towards me. When the upward migration of my hand stopped two inches from his crotch, he gave a little groan of frustration.

 

“Tell me what you were laughing at,” I demanded, tugging at the drawstrings of his pants, my knuckles grazing against him very gently. 

 

 

Justin shoved his hips upwards against my hand with a demanding grunt, explaining clearly in his actions that he thought that little clarification could wait.

 

“Not until you’ve told me,” I insisted, standing up swiftly and then moving forward to straddle Justin’s lap. I put my hands up to his face and drew my thumb across his forehead. “I’m waiting.”

 

“It’s not really that funny…” Justin explained, his own hands sneaking under my shirt, his fingers dancing feather-light along my sides. “There was just this thing about something a palaeoanthropologist had studied-”

 

“I need this in English,” I told him, trying very hard not to be distracted from the task at hand by the fact that Justin’s talented fingers had just brushed across my right nipple.

 

“That’s someone who studies ancient hominids,” Justin clarified, his fingers migrating downwards to explore the waistline of my jeans. “Y’know, like _Paranthropus boisei_ and ‘Lucy’ the Australopithecine.” 

 

“Did I say ‘ancient Hebrew’? I meant _English_ ,” I reminded him, shifting on his lap slightly to allow his roaming fingers a little more leeway. 

 

“Ok, Ok…well this person claimed that when the ancestors of humans became bipedal a few million years ago, one of the first adaptations to walking was the development of the gluteus maximus…”

 

“Sunshine, aren’t you a little old to be giggling at things like that?” I asked, swiping my thumb across his bottom lip. “Aren’t the ‘bum-bum and pee-pee’ jokes over in second grade?”

 

“It wasn’t that,” Justin assured me, a smirk sliding back onto his face. “When I read it, I just wondered if it meant my ass made me more highly evolved than you.”

 

WTF?

 

“Why would your ass make you more highly evolved than me?” I asked, thinking I couldn’t possibly have heard that right.

 

“Well,” Justin explained patiently, his hands wedging themselves between my thighs and his. “My ass is sort of, um, _well-developed_ while yours is…a little more flat.”

 

“My ass is NOT flat!” I exploded, so affronted I got off Justin’s lap and glared down at him menacingly. I turned around and wiggled the body part in question in his face to demonstrate its non-flatness. “See?”

 

“Brian, there’s nothing _wrong_ with your ass,” Justin explained patiently as he patted it affectionately. “It’s just not as evolutionarily superior as mine.”

 

“It is _so_!” I insisted, unable to take the appalling comments directed at my rear end (although I let Justin keep petting it). 

 

“Uh-uh,” Justin disagreed smugly. He gave my ass a sharp squeeze with both hands, making me yip in surprise. “I hate to tell you this, Brian. Your ass is an atavism.”

 

“It is _not_!!” I retorted heatedly, rounding on him. Then I realized I didn’t actually know what he was talking about (for a change). “What the fuck’s an ‘atavism’?”

 

“An evolutionary throwback,” Justin explained with smug intelligence. “You know, like hens that are born with teeth. Or horses with toes. Or a snake with legs-”

 

“-that sounds like a cocktail-”

 

“Quiet, I’m educating you. An ‘atavism’ is something an ancestor had that re-occurred in a modern animal.”

 

Suddenly it clicked.

 

“Are you saying I have a Neanderthal ass?” I demanded, totally insulted.

 

“No, no, no,” Justin assured me, smiling soothingly. He leaned to the side so he could get a better view of my derriere. “It’s more like an _Homo erectus_ ass.”

 

“Oh, I have a _Homo erectus_ something, but it’s not my ass,” I told Justin heatedly and he immediately dissolved into giggles again.

 

“It’s not fucking funny!” I roared at him, because- hey- this was my pride and joy we were talking about. “Just because my ass is not as big as yours…”

 

“ _Big?!_ ” Justin repeated, the giggles instantly evaporating. Now it was his turn to look completely affronted. “You think my butt is _big_??”

 

Oops. Mistake! Mistake! 

 

“I didn’t mean ‘big’,” I hastily back-peddled, “I just-”

 

“You just called my ass ‘big’!” Justin exclaimed, looking as if I’d just run his hamster over with a lawnmower. 

 

“Admit it! You think my ass is more ‘gluteus’ than ‘maximus!’ You totally just called me fat!”

 

“I did _not_ just call you fat!” I exclaimed. “I just said…”

 

“Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Long-and-Lean,” Justin interrupted, clearly not paying any attention to my attempts at self-defence. He got up from his chair and jabbed a finger into my chest.  “It’s sometimes beneficial not to _disappear when you turn sideways_!”

 

“What?!” I exclaimed, wondering how many levels of ridiculousness one could attain in one afternoon. “Why are you attacking me, you freak? _You’re_ the one who started it!”

 

“I didn’t start it!” Justin huffed, flouting as he turned his back on me and headed for the bedroom. 

 

“ _You’re_ the primitive one, remember? You were here first. And now _you_ just can’t handle the fact that my ass was ‘naturally selected’ over yours!” 

 

ARRGGG! _Where_ had I fucking signed up for this shit? And what the fuck had I done with that ball gag?

 

“I won’t forget this!” Justin’s voice called cantankerously from the bedroom partitions. “I’ll just have to keep my highly evolved ass to myself from now on since you clearly can’t appreciate its full evolutionary importance!”

 

‘Right’ I thought, breathing heavily through my nose like an angry rhinoceros (no wait, better make that a wholly mammoth for the sake of artistic liberty) 

 

_This_ little piece of precious petulance was going to be dealt with **right now** …” 

 

I stomped up the stairs into the bedroom to find Justin laying on his back on the bed, pointedly ignoring me as he pretended to read the latest issue of National Geographic (I made a mental note to burn them all.)

 

Without waiting for a preamble, I picked up one of his legs and flipped him expertly onto his stomach. He gave a surprised little squeak as, in one fluid movement, I successful deprived him of the loose sweatpants he’d been wearing. 

 

No underwear for _his_ evolutionary superior bubble butt.

 

Before he could move or speak, I got between his splayed legs and pressed his hips down into the mattress before settling myself comfortable behind him on my frount.

 

“What’re you doing?” Justin stammered, gaping back at me over his shoulder. I smiled sweetly back at him and kissed the silky skin of his left butt cheek softly.

 

“First,” I explained, laying a kiss on his right cheek as well. “I’m going to stick my primitive tongue all the way up your highly evolved ass and rim you until you’re a trembling puddle of wanton goo.”

 

Despite his earlier ultimatum, Justin seemed to like this idea as he whimpered and lifted his hips towards me.

 

“And _then_ ” I continued, emphasizing the last word with a stinging smack to his left cheek that made Justin yelp. “Then I’m gonna drape you across my lap and give your highly-evolved ass the long, hard spanking you’ve been asking for all fucking day.”

 

Justin whimpered and wriggled as I dragged my index finger slowly down between his cheeks. I pressed against his hole with the pad of my finger and smiled when Justin immediately pushed back against it.

 

“And then,” I continued, removing my finger and crawling up his body until I was lying on top him. I leaned down and licked the shell of his ear. 

 

“Then I’m going to shove my _Homo erectus_ into you red hot, naturally-selected ass and see if we can’t rearrange some of these ‘evolutionary implications…’,” 

 

I paused for a moment as Justin writhed beneath me before biting down hard on Justin’s earlobe.

 

“And one more thing,” I added, rubbing the rough denim of my jeans against his ass. “You will henceforth refer to me as ‘Professor Kinney’. Understand?”

 

“Yes, Professor Kinney,” Justin replied obediently. He wiggled again and pushed his ass up against my crotch.

 

“My highly-evolved ass would like to learn all about _Homo erectus_ , Professor Kinney,” he told me innocently. “It’s his favourite subject.”

 

I laughed out loud (more because Justin had just assigned a gender to his ass than anything else). But that was Justin.

 

And he was my favourite subject.

 

THE END


End file.
